Struggles with sex.

Take a look on 365gay.com, Gay.com, Logoonline, or any other gay news and views website with a sexpert--gays are conflicted about sex.  What seems to complicate things is that they are conflicted about God as well, and the two conflicts seem to overlap far more than you would think.  There seem to be two perspectives and nobody in the middle.  1.  Religion = Slavery; Sexual Freedom = Do what you feel like VS 2.  Secularism = Fascism; Dangerous Promiscuity = Anything I'm not doing.  It creates an interesting querry for me, though.  When it comes to sex, which is the better alternative:  Full sexual freedom where everyone decides what is right for themselves and noone should judge, or Creating a rigid standard for sexual expression in which all violations are considered dangerous and immoral?  Neither alternative really seems desirable to me anymore.  I used to be of the mind that people need to make their own sexual choices, and as long as people were being safe and honest with their partners, judgement should be reserved and they should be free to fuck as they please.  Well, problem is sex is messy and complicated.  While I sort of feel I attach less emotion to sex than is probably healthy, I'm fully empathetic of those that do.  Sex is an emotional thing for most people, and just because its not a big emotive beast for me does not mean I should belittle those who really don't separate sex and emotion.  And why should they separate it?  The full range of human emotions is beautiful--pain/pleasure, happiness/sadness.  Sex purely for sport and pleasure is only one tiny facet of a gallery of experiences--many I will never have.  I guess I'm a little emotional about my lack of sexual emotion.  I therefore agree that sex intrinsically tied with love IS a good thing.  Therefore, I must protect those vulnerable people who can't separate them. 

 

Because sex with love is good, not having fidelity is bad.  That is not to say I'm arguing for monogamy only.  Fidelity and monogamy are two different things.  Different relationships have different rules.  Even within monogamous relationships, there are differences in rules for fidelity.  Sometimes fidelity means you don't fuck anyone else.  Sometimes it means you don't fuck or fool around with anyone else.  Sometimes it means you don't fuck, fool around with or kiss anyone else.  Sometimes Its you don't even flirt.  Sometimes it means you can't even LOOK.  Sometimes it means if you fuck someone else, I'm there too.  So using a vague word like you must be monogamous or you must not be monogamous does not do justice to the rich complexities of monogamous relationships.  However, for me fidelity is solid--you must be fully honest with your partner and follow the agreed upon rules at all times no exceptions.  Being dishonest with your partner will hurt them, and this is bad. 

 

However, beyond the emotional toll, there are physical and medical problems with oversexualization as well.  Even when you're safe, you're not protected from MRSA, scabies, funguses, flu, even herpes.  Having sex with strangers is a personal safety issue.  The stranger could turn on you and attack you.  Sometimes, however, that's the excitement in the experience.  Excitement in sex isn't bad... however, excitement because of the unknown of wheather you'll wake up alive in the morning isn't exactly very smart.

 

Sex with total strangers is a little risky then.  At least with people you can track down again, and that are not totally anonymous, you have some greater protection against violence.  Also, if you know who you've been with and have some sort of contact with them beyond sex, you get a heads up if they come down with a nasty rash the morning after you're escapade with them--you can make a preemptive appointment at the doctor's before you even start showing symptoms.

 

There are benefits to sexual freedom as well, however.  Having sex with more people will show you the variety of very healthy and pleasurable options in sex.  You'll become better at it, and will therefore not only find it more pleasurable for yourself, but also for your partner--which if you believe in love with sex, is a good thing.  You want to please your lover more, then.  But it must be in the context of safe fidelity.  If you and your lover are the kind of emotionally attached lovers, then jealousy enters the picture.  Poly is not so in, then.  Limited open relationship?  With an open relationship you still entertain the possibility of bringing something home to your partner.  Things are getting complex.  And the "freedom" is starting to get more and more limited. 

 

Its hard to really lock down a "freedom" standard that fulfills everyone's emotional and physical needs, and is truly healthy.  What sex should not be tied to is religion.  Unfortunately, it seems, both sides seem to do this frequently.  Monogamy is often tied to religion and therefore, many of the nonreligious rebel against monogamy and restrictions as part of their rebellion against religion.  However, nothing about atheism says that someone MUST explore risky and promiscuous sex.  There is something, however about staying religious that tends to put some restrictions on sex, and sometimes these restrictions can affect world views on both sides.  The two sides clash and tend to move farther and farther away from one another.  To the one side Religion = shame = sexlessness.  To the other Non-spirituality = amoral behavior = danger and dispair.  There's no question that sexual repression can lead to all sorts of psychological problems.  At the same time, these careful religious types aren't coming home with crabs.  What needs to happen is more of an open-minded dialogue rather than a sanctimonious lecture when it comes to sex and these two sides.  I've been on the "do what I want" side for a long time, and have sometimes fooled myself into believing some things were healthy when they weren't just for the sake of liberty and freedom--throwing the baby out with the bathwater.  On the other hand, there are many things some would consider "promiscuous and slutty" that have turned out to be some of my healthiest decisions.  Folks need a leveler head about this issue, not shy away from frank discussion of sex, and not turn sexual discussion into a fight over a deeper issue--the feelings of distrust and hurt towards all sorts of "rules systems" associated with the mainstream or certain spiritual dispositions.  Gay men should be constantly evaluating their sexual beliefs, and NOT accepting that a single one is great and that this is what they believe, they're right and noone is going to change their minds. 

--
Mr. P. Reese
Heritage Jr. High School Literature
512 W First St.
Homer, IL 61849